Anxiety attacks happen quite frequently to me, though they have let up a bit as of late. I’m not sure if it was just the weather changing today or the fact that my normal routine was interrupted, but I feel like my lungs are being squeezed in between someone’s large, chubby fingers. I’m dizzy. I’m irritable, and I’m not sure whether it’s because of the anxiety attack or I got an anxiety attack because I got irritated. It’s what I hate about having Generalized Anxiety Disorder. You can’t pin anything down.
Anxiety attacks can happen anytime, for any reason. All I did was help my sister dye her hair. I started feeling faint a few minutes after she asked me if I could help her do that today, like I was going to pass out. The pages on the book I was reading started to blur, and I couldn’t concentrate.
But I’m supposed to be reading right now. I’m supposed to be reading this so I can recommend it to others. HOW CAN I RECOMMEND IT IF I DON’T READ IT. IT NEEDS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW.
That’s what that stupid little voice in my head says. Even now, I flinch and jerk my head to the side in an imaginary epileptic fit to try and shake the voice out, to shiver the worry right out of my body. I clench my fists together, I grab at my arms, I dig my nails into the back of my neck and put my head down on the desk, trying to breathe… just breathe… can I even finish this post? Will it even have relevance or feeling if I don’t post it now? Now? NOW???
I get stabbing pains in my chest sometimes, or aches near my armpits, but inside my ribcage… I start to panic even more as I run through all the medical possibilities. Heart attack is what comes to mind first. This makes the anxiety attack worse. Right now it hurts just inside of where my right breast is, right behind it on top of one of my ribs. It’s aching, and the more I try to breathe, the more I feel it. It comes and goes… it’s fading now just a bit…
Why are simple interruptions so difficult for me to deal with? It wasn’t an unpleasant activity. I was glad to help my sister. I was glad to spend time with her. I don’t get to spend time with her much despite the fact that we both live at home, and I don’t even have a full-time job anymore. I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m sorry for my sister that she has to deal with me freaking out over little things. I almost told her I couldn’t color her hair today and that I needed to lie down, but I was determined not to give in to my anxiety.
“…and I will give you rest…” keeps running through my head mixed with some lyrics from Bill Withers’ “Lean on Me” and I’m really confused. Rest. It’s what I need, I think. I can still have anxiety attacks in my sleep, though. Nightmares, anxiety night sweats… it took all the effort I had left just to link that. I think I’m just tired. I’m used to nightmares… if I wake up, I’ll just take my anxiety meds. Anxiety attacks can go to <—insert obvious swear word here—>!!!